Halley asks the question, “Is control over your time the ultimate form of power?”
I certainly think that time has more importance to me than it ever did before. I struggle daily with trying to control time. Making sure we all get up and are ready for the day in time to catch our rides. Making sure we get from one after school activity to the next. And working hard to get the homework done before time runs out at the end of each day. It never feels like there is enough time. I keep chasing time and it is always running away from me.
I got all the Halloween decorations down from the attic over the weekend and was only able to put up one or two decorations. One is the witch crashing into the tree that Cindy created from scratch several years ago. I’m sure she would have come up with something new, but I hardly have time to put up the things we have much less think of something new. Halley talks about her Pumpkin and how she doesn’t want to carve it. I want desperately to carve ours. It was one of those traditions that was always mine to do with the girls. The past few years the girls have taken over much of the carving process, but this year there are so many school projects due that I don’t think we are going to have time to put a face on our pumpkins. Perhaps our pumpkins will just have to wear “the mask” too this year partly because of lack of control over time.
All of this is part of my attempts to realize that “it’s okay to integrate death into life“, where for me every day is a constant reminder of those that are gone, and I struggle to spend as much time as I can with the ones who are most important to me now. My life has transitioned from whatever it was, into doing the best I can with the little time left, to raise my girls. Alone.