Lindsey @ The Guardian

http://www.theguardian.com/profile/lindsey-kratochwill

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Life Tips

https://medium.com/life-tips/when-i-m-gone-f1611ceb759f

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Some recent articles

The Guardian story about ocean cleanup.

http://www.theguardian.com/business/2015/sep/30/united-by-blue-patagonia-sustainability-ocean-plastics

Businessweek article about knitting and craft fashion.

http://www.bloomberg.com/news/articles/2015-09-24/wool-the-gang-not-your-grandma-s-knitting-circle

And a variety of stories on PopSci.

http://www.popsci.com/popsci-authors/lindsey-kratochwill

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It’s a weird and small world

So. Cindy and I moved to Florida back in the fall of 1979. The winter before set many records for snowfall and cold weather. I described it as a struggle to survive. I had decided I didn’t ever want to do that again and was looking to move some place where it didn’t snow. It was during that summer that I met Cindy at the hospital we worked at in Highland Park, Illinois. I was kind of stupid and didn’t pick up on the fact that she had been trying to get me to go out on a date. On the night she mentioned she would be at Fitz’s Pub in Highwood with her friend and I should meet them, I had plans to go take photos at the bicycle track in Northbrook. I went to the track and shot a few rolls of film. and luckily decided to head over to meet them after the races. It was a fun night, I remember pitchers of Kamakazi’s and heading to Scornivaco’s for Pizza afterwards.

I think she later told me that if I hadn’t shown up that night she was giving up on me. That was the beginning of our romance. People in the kitchen where we worked started joking that we were connected at the hips. We used to lock ourselves in the ingredient room to make out 🙂

A few months later when the lease was up on my apartment we decided to head for Florida. Cindy was hoping to get a job at the Health Department in St. Pete. She had flown down a couple times to interview but hadn’t gotten the job when we moved to Clearwater and got an apartment. It took us a few months before we found jobs. I found a job cooking at Morton Plant Hospital and Cindy worked in the lingerie department at a department store at the mall. She eventually got a job at Largo Medical Center in the ingredient room. She did work at the Health Department in St. Pete and Clearwater while working towards becoming a Registered Dietitian. That led her to work at Morton Plant, Mease Dunedin and Countryside Hospitals.

Fast forward to a year or so ago when I met some wonderful new friends. One of those friends, Lana, invited me to attend a wine class. It was the beginning of more friendships with the people at the restaurant where the classes were held. One of those was the Chef at the time, Keith. He gave wonderful cooking demonstrations and created great food. I love food, and keep trying to cook ever since my days at Highland Park and Morton Plant. I learned a lot from watching Keith’s cooking demonstrations. Keith moved on and is cooking at another restaurant so I hadn’t seen him in a while.

Move to this morning and my regular weekend bike ride. I was riding down through Tarpon Springs and noticed Chef Keith sitting outside a restaurant along the trail. I stopped to say hi and while we were talking about cooking the conversation somehow got to how Cindy worked at Mease Dunedin and Keith mentioned that he started his cooking career at Mease Dunedin. And that one of the Dietitians that helped him along those many years ago was named Cindy. We figured out the time frame and it seemed like it may have been when my Cindy was there. I showed him a photo and yes it was my Cindy that helped him.

Sometimes the world is a weird and small place. I still wonder if somehow she is somehow directing us.

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ASMR

A bunch of the music I like has an ASMR’ness to it.  A certain type of vocals that draws me into songs.

http://www.reddit.com/r/ASMRmusic

ASMR VR?

http://boingboing.net/2015/04/29/asmr-ally-scifi-departure.html

 

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emotional synesthesia?

There were many interesting things in this story.

http://www.npr.org/2015/01/30/382453493/mirror-touch

 

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Broken hearts and bones

A friend posted something about breaking peoples hearts.  It made me think.  Sometimes I watch movies and become so involved with the characters that by the end of the movie I have a broken heart.  TFIOS is a good example.  I watch that movie and by the end I’m in tears and my heart aches for the characters.

Some people get their heart broken a few times in their life, an empath can end up getting their heart broken multiple times a day.

I wish they would take that movie off of HBO On Demand 🙂

And there was something about breaking bones too.

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She visited


Woke up very early again the other morning. I was able to get back to sleep for a change and had a dream that I remember. That doesn’t happen much anymore.

In this dream she was back again. We were going to have dinner and I was cooking something. She was setting the table. I noticed that she was crying. I tried to brush away a tear and smeared batter on her cheek.

It was the same dream where she doesn’t want to talk to me. I can sense that something has changed and she no longer cares about me in the way she once did.  I get that hopeless feeling.  It’s very uncomfortable. Painful. Sadness. I wake up still feeling those emotions.

_____

The next morning I have another dream.  This time I’ve gone to her. I’ve never done this before.  I show up and she is with some friends. I try to talk and people talk over me. I listen to them talk for a minute.  I speak out and express my feelings. I let them, and her, know how much I care about her.  Again she is indifferent, disdainful, almost pitying me.

I start art feeling the sorrow, pain, hurt. And then something different happens.  I don’t wake up feeling all those emotions like I usually do.  Instead this time I gather her friends and take them around a wall so I can talk to them in private.  I start to explain that I don’t know who that person is.  She is not the person we think she is. The person I knew died years ago.  She died.  She is dead. She has been dead.  I don’t know who that person is but it’s not the person I cared about. I slam my fist on the counter and tell them “she’s dead”. They try to tell me that isn’t true, this really is her, she’s not dead.  Some how I can’t convince them.  I tell them how much I cared for her, how deep my emotion for her was.  The person that is there now is not that person.  I don’t know who it is but it’s not her.  I can’t convince them.

Soon after, I wake up.  But this time there isn’t the sadness and pain. There is a sense of relief. Maybe I have broken through a barrier.  Maybe I’ve come to a realization in my subconscious that she truly is gone.

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Compassion

I have met some special people. People who are funny, loving, smart and beautiful. People who seem to care. I would like to be able to call them my friends. I so enjoy the time I get to spend with them. They make me feel part of the world. Like I might matter.

It feels like they could use some caring and compassion. I have plenty of that. Misplaced love and compassion. They are so deserving. I wish I could give the some of the emotion I have found recently.

There are so many of us that could use some consideration, compassion and caring. I have plenty to give but can’t figure out how to give it. These friends deserve what I could give, but also more than what I can give. Would it be better to give what I can, or to just watch and hope that they get what they should receive?

If they could only have, what I had. I wish in some way I could let them feel what that feels like.

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Hayley Williams – Quotable Quote

“It’s sad when friends become enemies. But what’s even worse is when they become strangers.”

Hayley Williams

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