Woke up very early again the other morning. I was able to get back to sleep for a change and had a dream that I remember. That doesn’t happen much anymore.
In this dream she was back again. We were going to have dinner and I was cooking something. She was setting the table. I noticed that she was crying. I tried to brush away a tear and smeared batter on her cheek.
It was the same dream where she doesn’t want to talk to me. I can sense that something has changed and she no longer cares about me in the way she once did. I get that hopeless feeling. It’s very uncomfortable. Painful. Sadness. I wake up still feeling those emotions.
The next morning I have another dream. This time I’ve gone to her. I’ve never done this before. I show up and she is with some friends. I try to talk and people talk over me. I listen to them talk for a minute. I speak out and express my feelings. I let them, and her, know how much I care about her. Again she is indifferent, disdainful, almost pitying me.
I start art feeling the sorrow, pain, hurt. And then something different happens. I don’t wake up feeling all those emotions like I usually do. Instead this time I gather her friends and take them around a wall so I can talk to them in private. I start to explain that I don’t know who that person is. She is not the person we think she is. The person I knew died years ago. She died. She is dead. She has been dead. I don’t know who that person is but it’s not the person I cared about. I slam my fist on the counter and tell them “she’s dead”. They try to tell me that isn’t true, this really is her, she’s not dead. Some how I can’t convince them. I tell them how much I cared for her, how deep my emotion for her was. The person that is there now is not that person. I don’t know who it is but it’s not her. I can’t convince them.
Soon after, I wake up. But this time there isn’t the sadness and pain. There is a sense of relief. Maybe I have broken through a barrier. Maybe I’ve come to a realization in my subconscious that she truly is gone.