On the third anniversary
of Cindy’s death Julie and I were talking about how such great loss
affects our calendars. Cindy died in the spring of 2002. I
have found that in the months before the anniversary date I begin to
feel down. I usually don’t figure out why until a few weeks
before that date.
I was thinking this year about how our wedding anniversary was always
one of our most emotional holidays. It made me think, and Julie
reminded me of how our calendars change. The anniversary that now
seems to hold the most emotional power is the anniversary of the day
she died. We suffered a sudden, traumatic and violent loss.
I was struggling to take care of my daughters who were injured in the
accident while also dealing with the sudden loss. It is not a
time that I want to remember. It is the most horrific day in my
life. I wonder if it is different for those who have lost their
loved one after a long illness. Do the circumstances of the loss
change the way people feel about that date?
Our wedding anniversary is now a day just like any other on the
calendar. It falls around Father’s Day so I spend the time trying
to figure out what I should do to help the girls do something for me.
One of the hardest holidays for me to deal with has been
Christmas. Christmas was Cindy’s favorite time of year. She
has so many decorations and loved to shop for new things every year
during the after Christmas sales. We would have a neighborhood
Christmas party at our house with food, friends and caroling. The
first two years I tried my best to keep everything the same. Or
as normal as I possible could. It was very hard, emotionally and
physically. There’s just me know and there aren’t enough hours in
the day sometimes. I think that is one of the reasons I was
looking forward to, and dreading out trip to Europe this past
Christmas. Cindy and I wanted to go back to Czech with our
friends and wanted the girls to go with us. I was excited for the
opportunity to celebrate the holidays with our friends and family and
to experience the Czech holiday traditions. I was also terrified
by the thought that I was doing a terrible thing by changing one of the
constants in our lives, Christmas.
It ended up being both an exciting and amazing time spent with friends
and family experiencing new and old traditions, as well as a time to
remember the Christmas’ we had and miss so desperately. So my
challenge, along with all the other challenges of being a single parent
of two teen girls, is to try and figure out a way to turn these days
that bring such sorrow into days that we can celebrate again.
Find a way to turn out thoughts of sadness and loss into happy
memories. I think that some time may have to pass to allow the
sadness to fade and the happy memories to fight their way back into our hearts, minds and calendars.